complete randomness / life / survival

Do not take when small

My million dollar idea: allergy medicine for adults who are not standard size.

For me, Benedryl is a nightmare. While it knocks some out, I end up stranded on my couch, frightened and very aware of my hands.

You might ask, why not take children’s medicine?

Good suggestion in theory, but fool-hardy in practice. That stuff is designed to quickly knock out your whiny, over-pollinated toddler.

Do NOT take Children’s Benedryl and then run errands at Wal-Mart. You will try to take a nap in Ladies Intimates.

But migraines make desperate people of us all,  and after a week of headaches and borderline migraine-events, I took some advice  about possibly treating the seasonal allergies that might be behind them. So, after work on Monday, I stopped by CVS.

Good news: Store-brand saline nasal spray was 2-for-1.

Bad news: I bought and opted to take a full dose of adult allergy medicine.

More good news: I didn’t get a migraine.

Here’s what happened:

5:30pm-ish: Take medicine. Immediately get the jitters and the tireds.

I also get really hungry, so I eat a lot of cottage cheese and some Goldfish.

More jitters and still hungry. Seize this moment and decide to make dinner. I use both stove and knives. While getting everything ready, I note some marked trouble cutting tomatoes. It occurs to me that this problem might not be related to the sharpness of my knives.


Eat and watch Parks and Recreation on Netflix. Things taste funny, I get full, and am confused by the intricacies of Leslie Knope’s City Council campaign.

I decide to call my mom. Not realizing my level of distress, she speaks to my father in my background. I end the conversation as I find it disorienting.

I do all the dishes — once again handling knives — and lock the front door.

I call my mom back to tell her about my disorientation and to apologize for hanging up on her. I end the conversation quickly — essentially hanging up on her again — as it’s making me tired.

Decide now is a good time to get a few pages of Jonathan Franzen’s Freedom read. Break out the trusty sweatshirt blanket from college and make myself comfortable. Have no recollection of the 3 paragraphs I got through.

7pm-ish: Pass out.

8pm-ish: Wake up.

Decide to floss, change clothes, check stove and doors, and complete the New York Times Monday crossword puzzle.

8:30pm-ish: Pass out again.

Tuesday, 7:30am: Fight way out of bed. Realize how long I’ve been asleep/out of it. Worry about everything I managed to do under the influence and how long I checked out.

New plan: Stick to this for all that ails me (read the jar, you’ll be surprised):

It probably won’t do much for my headaches, but at least I’ll safely know what happened last night.


5 thoughts on “Do not take when small

  1. Under 7 minutes is impressive.. but you did know Omoo the other day. I’m still not clear on modernists, but I’m working on it. See, those degrees in English do pay off. No wi fyou can just find someone to pay you to do crossword puzzles, or i fthey make it an Olympic sport…….

  2. Actually, there’s a national competition for crossword puzzles. Will Shortz runs it, and they made a documentary about it in 2006 called “Wordplay.” I saw it in the theaters.

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