Hair pulling is a violent, vicious crime. I cannot stress this enough. When one is forced to break the heels of her completely impractical boots* fleeing attackers at the North Jersey Country Club, this follically-based crime escalates to a level of unspeakable terror. Crimes of this nature can only be hashed out on basic cable and the emotional fallout is best attended to by the unseen producer charged with interviewing you about the event. Having grown up with hair and a younger brother who once pulled it, I can attest to the fact that the injuries suffered by a hair pulling tend to increase in severity and intensity over time. Brushing my hair gives me flashbacks and I’m still unable to rotate my head a full 180 degrees. I am attempting to work through these issues with the assistance of several self-help books and the guidance of a Pennsylvania-based energist.
On last night’s The Real Housewives of New Jersey, that minor assault at a fancy party we’ve been waiting for finally happened. And, as expected, it was a whole lot of bother about nothing. People ran around, Danielle Staub played it to the rafters (Someone, please get that woman an Emmy, or, at least, a recurring spot on Days of Our Lives. She has children to feed.), and Bravo edited the entire confrontation/chase scene to heighten the drama and completely obliterate all logic. For example, the North Jersey Country Club**, appears to be a crazy labyrinth of people, doorways, and tables that Teresa Giudice is able to navigate with a speed that makes me think she can vaporize and reappear at will. Which means I should probably watch what I say before she just mists herself right into my living room and breaks my computer.
Anyway, it was a confusing evening of bad behavior in which a lot of people were coke whores and hair pulling occurred. Personally, I liked it back when everyone was prostitution whores, but I’m in no position to be picky. But the whole coke whore/hair pulling thing, that’s pretty much it. That’s all that actually happened. The end. Everybody go home. No more to see here. I mean, yeah, I momentarily feared that I might fall off the couch because clapping my hands while jumping up and down on the sofa tends to throw me off balance, but really, once the dust settled, there wasn’t much there but dust. Aside from Ashley being generally bratty and mostly dumb in pulling the hair of a woman who will press charges – any charges – not much happened.
If I’m not incorrect, probably the biggest act of law-breaking that evening was that 911 and the police were called over a non-emergency to deal with a non-crime. As we saw in Danielle’s interview, in which she claimed that she thought someone should have been arrested for menacing her and making her break her shoes, there is a clear misunderstanding of the duties, responsibilities, and power of the police force of Wayne, N.J. Which, as Danielle noted, is HER town and all***. While I don’t keep up with the police blotter, I’ve always been under the impression that the police forces of larger New Jersey towns actually have better things to do than take statements from women who have technically done NOTHING to each other.
I actually can’t believe this episode wasn’t the season finale. I have no idea where we go from here and can only hope that Bravo is buying time in the next few episodes before they reveal the Thunderdome they’ve constructed for the season’s final showdown. Please, please, please, let that Thunderdome be at the Rexplex next to the Ikea in Elizabeth. (New Jersey Turnpike Exit 13A. Not just an Exit, but an Escape. Conveniently located near Jersey Gardens Mall.)
I’m officially done with paragraphs for today, so here are some stray thoughts I had about this episode:
1. Did anyone notice the momentary look on Danielle’s face during her first interview about the events of the night at the country club? Right in the middle of talking about the terror she experienced, she stops for a second, scratches her head, and totally loses her train of thought. It’s about a half-second long, but totally priceless and worth the DVR rewind/slow-mo combo it takes to fully capture the moment.
2. I loved the woman at the North Jersey Country Club who was caught by Bravo’s crew saying that all this was effing ridiculous. I wonder, what, exactly, she expected when she agreed to go a fashion show attended by the Real Housewives, thrown by a woman who wants to be a Real Housewife, and that was going to be taped by Bravo. None of these things say “quiet evening” to me, but whatever.
3. “Don’t forget that I’m from Patterson.” Thank you, Teresa. If if makes you feel better, at home I ducked the punch you were about to throw.
4. Bravo is killing me with the continuity. Just let events unfold. Things are becoming painfully scripted anyway, but when I’ve got to watch the dismantling of several plates of disco fries on camera and am fully aware that there have been several takes because of the state of Danielle Staub’s ketchup-stained plate, the illusion is broken.
5. Speaking of disco fries, who gets gravy on the side? I mean, it’s a good idea and all, but that seems like a needlessly complicated order.
6. I wonder how many people who didn’t spend their young adulthood in diners in New Jersey knew what on earth those women were eating. I also wonder how many people yelled “Disco Fries!” at the same time I did. (I’m really stuck on this fry scene business.)
7. Final production note: I’d really prefer not to see Danielle eat on camera again.
8. I love Caroline Manzo and the way she dealt with Jacqueline and Teresa. I also like the Albie storyline and the way the Manzo family’s life seems real. That said, I fear for her long-term prospects on the show. She’s not crazy enough to be there and I think that we all know this.
9. I loved that Danielle actually put forth the idea that pressing charges against Ashley might “help” her, because she’s a dangerous person.
10. Teresa’s attitude towards the police when they asked for her name and driver’s license bothered me. While technically she didn’t have to cooperate, it came off funny when they just wanted to take a statement from her and she was immediately hostile.
11. Jacqueline’s phone call with Danielle’s energist – while set strangely at night in the parking lot for the strip mall that houses Posche – was one of the best light-hearted moments of the Real Housewives franchise. Let’s have more crazy, well-intentioned people call her up and see what happens!
All in all, it was an interesting evening for the ladies of New Jersey. Next week, we’re off to some boxing/self-defense lessons and we’ll all be getting a brief – but important lesson – in civics as charges are filed against Ashley. As this show becomes a three-way mean girls meltdown extravaganza, I wonder where we go from here. But I don’t worry about it too much, because someone leveled off my energies over the phone.
* P.S. Bravo: Don’t pretend this show is real and then have people say things like, “I’ll wear these boot tonight; it’s not like I’m going to be running from anyone” in part one of a two-parter. It’s just sloppy work and bad foreshadowing.
** That name kills me. I know it’s a real place, but it still sounds totally fake or like they ran out of country club names.
*** I did not realize that in New Jersey there are certain protections afforded persons at country clubs in the towns where they reside. Despite having no business being there and not being a member, the next time I visit my parents I intend on declaring my domain at the private golf club in my hometown. Also, I must remember that I need to apply to Danielle Staub for travel visas to Wayne.