life / Music

It’s just emotion that’s taking me over

I’m not a hugely emotional person.  I don’t really think about this as a good thing or a bad thing; I just sort of keep how I feel about a lot of stuff to myself.  In general, I tend to come off as perky and funny and practical.  Up until relatively recently, I was pretty mellow.  Then, there was a bit of a shitstorm and everything got thrown around.  Which was fine, in its own way.  Sometimes, tossing everything in the air is the only way to start a massive reorganization.

But the tricky thing about going through a weird period is the uncertainty that follows.  And I HATE uncertainty.  A short digression: I am a terrible person to share a reading experience with.  If you’re unlucky enough to be reading the same thing I’m reading, it’s best that you don’t read ahead if you are in close proximity to me.  I will hound you relentlessly for information about what I think might happen.  Because I want to know.  I can’t stand worrying about the characters.  Also, I want to look for clues so that I can see how all the pieces are going to come together.  And that’s just how I deal with uncertainty in the lives of fictional people.  Imagine how this translates to the real world.

The reasons why my emotions were pretty stable for so long is because I thought I knew  what my life was all about and so I didn’t have to worry too much about it.  Upon occasion, I thought back to my 20 year-old self who worried about who she might become and told her not to worry, because things turned okay after all.  And then things changed.  So, my life is a bit different – which, again, is not a bad thing – but that means that I worry more.  Not huge worry, just “how will it all turn out for our heroine?”-level fretting.  And now I look back to 20 year-old me not to reassure that person, but to remind myself that I got through all that uncertainty once.  And I was less wise, less savvy, and 25% more klutzy then.  I can do it again.

Of course, this means I feel EVERYTHING.  And usually all at once.  In a moment when I’m happy, I might also be anxious.  Or slightly sad.  Or hopeful and frustrated.  Or ambitious and hungry.   So, even though I’ve been posting about music more than I usually do this week, I thought I would try to express the range of things I’m feeling now – all at once – that’s keeping me up way past my bedtime.

First, I’m going to be really obvious.  But it introduces the topic nicely.  And I’m all about neatness.  And fireworks.

But to be more specific, I’m sort of angry sometimes.  I tend not to be destructive angry, but more principled angry, with objections about achieving easy resolutions and compromising myself.

I’ve also been thinking about companionship and what I think I want in life and the feelings I want to feel.

But, since it’s wedding season and lifelong commitment makes me a bit nervous (possibly because I’m still looking for someone who makes that proposition worth considering in the first place) and because just going with the flow makes my skin itchy, there’s also this.

(I know things are a little Dixie Chick-heavy right now, but they both fit my mood.  And since it’s my mood, there’s not much anyone else can do about it.)

I’ve also been a bit anxious.

But I’ve also been sort of hopeful.

And then there’s this.  I don’t know what to do with it, but I’ve been hoping that my Philadelphia classic rock station would play it in the daily Beatles block.  They haven’t.  And I’ve been really disappointed about that.


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