seven sentence reviews / television

The Celebrity Apprentice, Week 5: Did Bret Make Us Feel Something Real?

This week was all about family and commitments outside of The Celebrity Apprentice: Sharon Osbourne still had the black plague (which Trump wasn’t so ready to forgive), Cyndi Lauper got to meet President Obama and prove that she’s not just Tenacity’s lovable screw-up, Michael Johnson left the show for undisclosed reasons related to his son, Bret lost his shit over and over again because his daughter might be diabetic like him, and Goldberg showed us that he’s really uncomfortable when other men cry.  Okay, so that last bit didn’t have anything to do with a player’s attention being drawn away from the game, but in all honesty, Goldberg did look like he wanted to be anywhere else than with a sobbing Bret Michaels.  We also watched Donald Trump clean the floor with all the contestants (except Maria and her major boots) in the saddest game of H-O-R-S-E ever  televised (I mean, it’s for charity, people!  You can’t even hit the rim?) while Ivanka looked on in cold disinterest.  In other news, we learned that Summer and Holly are still going strong in their mean girl love fest, Selita doesn’t know that her type of pretty doesn’t last forever (and apparently, doesn’t cloud George’s vision), and Maria has been marked as the snake in the grass on team Tenacity.  Over at Rock Solid, Curtis showed us he could lead (with Clyde Drexler co-starring as his personal chorus of common sense) as his team literally dissolved around him – in terms of numbers AND pools of tears*.  When it came to firing time, Selita** was unmoved by the termination of her fake employment and appeared to be willing to engage only with the very unnecessary Trump elevator operator.  My favorite part of the episode, however, was noting how everyone was trying to think of a new way to say “throw under the bus” without saying the actual phrase: “push off a dock,” “throw under the car,” “crush with my velocipede,” “toss under a truck,” “perambulate all over,” and so on.

Unsolicited prediction:  Everyone on the women’s team keeps talking about how Maria’s the person to watch out for, but I think Summer Sanders is the real one to keep an eye on.  While she’s tight with Holly, that’s going to change the longer they’re in this game together.  We can’t forget that Summer tried to get rid of BOTH Sharon and Cyndi by pretending that she forgot they had passes and good reasons for not participating.  Basically, Summer tried to play it all nice girl and eliminate one player that annoys her and another player that could be a competitive obstacle.  Summer’s playing it cool and pretending to be – as Sharon put it “little Miss Perfect” – but this is an act a blind man can see.  You can take me out for hot dog when she literally pushes Holly in front of a New York City taxi trying to out-fundraise*** her. 

* For a cool/interesting discussion of how Bret Michaels actually brought reality to The Celebrity Apprentice through his relatively raw displays of emotion this week, check out Dalton Ross’s recap at  He says it better than I ever could and, I believe, admits to being moved to tears by the increasingly complex lead singer of Poison. 
** Yeah, I’ll admit I learned her name.  But she’s gone now, so it doesn’t matter.
***There have been no fundraising challenges so far this season.  I think we need one, because that type of challenge tends to really bring the out the nasty.

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