On this December 23rd I wish you and your family a happy Festivus. Let’s hope that the Airing of Grievances this year is not as bad as it could be (maybe everyone has forgotten a thing or two or is generally pleased with each other) and that its not your turn to pin the head of the household during the Feats of Great Strength. Here’s to a Festivus sitting cozily by the Festivus pole, enjoying your traditional Pepperidge Farm cake decorated with M&Ms as someone else in your family wrestles your father to the ground to end the holiday. Just remember that if the commercialism of Christmas has got you down, there’s a lot of comfort in knowing there’s a “Festivus for the rest of us.”
I’ve already wished my parents a Happy Festivus, so if you haven’t done the same, you should probably get on the phone, go downstairs, come up from the basement (which is totally yours; I mean, your mom probably hardly ever comes down there unless she’s doing laundry), or get in the car and drive to your family Festivus gathering already. Otherwise, this will probably end up being the first Grievance Aired next year. And you know that means that you might have to perform a Feat of Great Strength. That is the exact opposite of a Festivus Miracle.
If you’re shaky on Festivus traditions or the concept of Festivus in general, you can check out this summary of clips explaining the holiday from the famous Seinfeld episode “The Strike.”
And for anyone wondering what I got you for Christmas, a donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund (“Money for People”).